‘I knew Jesus as King but not God as Father’

rosella-payne

“I arrived at university knowing God was undoubtedly real. The evidence was there, I’d tested the historical evidence, seen God working in my life and those around me. I knew Jesus to be King. However, I still suffered with crippling self-doubt. I knew Jesus was Lord but I didn’t trust myself not to mess it all up. I knew Jesus as King but not God as Father.

One church service, I was feeling overwhelmed by such a sense of inadequacy. I burst into tears and various people prayed for me. Someone said they felt God saying I was putting up a wall between me and God. They then quoted the Bible verse Zephaniah 3:17 – ‘He will delight in you with gladness, with His love he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs’. I met this with utter disbelief – how could God take joy in someone as rubbish as me? I knew in my head that God loves everyone, but believing God loved me and took joy in me was just too hard.

But God wasn’t giving up, that week every Christian event I attended had the theme of God’s love. I read the Bible and so much of it was telling me I was loved as a child of God. I saw it on posters, had friends tell me. This message must have come across over 50 times, and I started to take the hint. I chose one evening to believe it. I chose to accept that the Father loved me and my life was transformed. If Father God loved me how could I not love myself? Time after time now, instead of being overwhelmed by my own failures I am overwhelmed by the amazing, loving presence of Jesus Christ.

I still doubt myself, I still get confused about what God is doing, but I can honestly say the relationship I have with the Father is the most wonderful, the most real and the most living giving part of my life.”

  • Rosella Payne, Third Year, International Development and the Environment

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